


All the Days Between

by thespian_trash



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst, BBC, Complete, Completed, Fluff, M/M, Merlin - Freeform, angst angst angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 10:10:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 21,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13164738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespian_trash/pseuds/thespian_trash
Summary: Each chapter takes you through a defining moment in Merlin and Arthur's relationship: the good days and the bad, fluffy private moments, heart-pounding adventure and bravery, tender and vulnerable times, terrifying instances, and all the days between.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my first fanfic: a completed (yay!) Merthur AU from Arthur's point of view where Merlin does not have magic. Apologies in advance about the shortness of the first few chapters. Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome. Please enjoy!

I can’t remember when it was I began to love Merlin. I know it wasn’t all at once. It was slowly, and it didn’t always feel like love. A lot of times it felt like fear. Like helplessness. Like hopelessness. I’ve heard love described as slowly forgetting what you dislike about a person. That’s how I loved Merlin.

And Merlin loved me back. I’m not sure exactly for how long, but he did. I know, because I could see love in the depths of his eyes every time he woke me from sleep much earlier than I would have liked. I know, because I could hear love in his words every time he insulted me and called me an arrogant prat. I know, because I could feel love in the way he elbowed me when he was vying for my attention. I know, because I could taste love on his lips and on his tongue when they were pressed against mine.

Merlin and I loved each other on the days when the world around us was quiet. We loved each other on the days when the world demanded our attention and we had no time to spend together. We loved each other when we were scared and when we were proud and when we were upset and when we were happy. Merlin and I loved each other on the good days, on the bad days, and all the days between. We loved each other the only way we knew how. Imperfectly and completely.


	2. Chapter 2

I remember the first time I met Merlin.

 

The sun was hot on my back as I twisted out of a sword lock with Sir Leon. Droplets of sweat decorated both of our eyebrows, and we were both exhausted from a long day of training, but I couldn’t let him beat me. In one final move, I raised my sword upwards, kicked out my foot to knock Sir Leon off his feet, and brought my sword down at an angle in what would have been a dangerous blow if Sir Leon and I were fighting our hardest.

I offered a hand to bring my opponent to his feet, and we both rushed to the sides of the courtyard where water and wet towels awaited the both of us as another pair began to spar. Downing my water, my eyes flitted across the courtyard to see a young man, probably about my age, walking towards the entrance to the castle.

“That man,” I leaned in to a recovering Sir Leon. “I don’t recognize him. I’m going to go ask him what he’s doing here.”

With a nod from the man behind me, I made my way over to the stranger. I managed to stop him before he reached the entrance to the castle.

“Who are you?” I asked bluntly, not bothering to deal with formalities.

“My name is Merlin, sire,” the man bowed, clearly observing who I was. “I was sent here to aid Gaius, the court physician.” My eyes scanned his face for any traces of dishonesty. Instead, what they found was a pair of piercing blue eyes, which somehow managed to look dark, even if they weren’t, under his thick raven eyebrows. The man had a sharp, cascading nose, which tumbled to meet perfect lips, framed by the sharpest cheekbones I had ever seen, and a defined jaw that hovered above his protruding Adam’s apple.

Snapping out of my thoughts, I relented, “Very well then. I hope you are of help to Gaius. He is a good physician and a good man. I’m sure you will learn much during your time with him.”

Merlin offered a friendly smile and bow, and made his way to Gaius’ home within the castle walls. My gaze trailed after him, my thoughts clouded by his mesmerizing smile and his quiet demeanor.


	3. Chapter 3

I remember the day Merlin became my manservant.

 

My lids fluttered open to the sound of whooshing fabric as light penetrated my vision.

“Up and at ‘em, sire,” I heard an annoyingly cheery voice echo across the room. I sat bolt upright in bed.

“You’re not George,” I protested as my eyes began to adjust and I realized who it was that had woken me from my precious sleep. “Merlin?” I exclaimed, remembering correctly the name of the man who had moved in with Gaius a few weeks ago.

“Very perceptive, you are, sire.” Merlin quipped sarcastically as he yanked the bedding from my bed to reveal a bare-chested and very cold me. I stared at him, dumbfounded.

“That’s no way to treat your king. Give me my bedding back, and bring me my breakfast,” I confronted Merlin’s striking blue eyes with my demands.

Continuing to drag my bedding towards the door, Merlin nodded with his head towards my bedside table. “Breakfast is over there, and you’re not king yet, sire.” He exited without another word.

Speechless, I began shoving bits of ham and cheese into my mouth and shifted so I was sitting cross-legged on my sheets. Usually George would let me sleep in a little bit, and then wake me with a plethora of breakfast items to choose from. Then he would dress me for the day, hand me my newly-polished sword, and proceed to clean my room when I left through the large wooden doors. Glancing down at the rather disappointing arrangement of meat and cheese Merlin had brought in for breakfast, I hoped that the rest of the day wouldn’t follow in this fashion if for some reason Merlin was to be my manservant for the day.

Just as I began to wonder if Merlin was going to come back, he thrust open one of the heavy wooden doors and started pulling clothes out of my closet. “Still not out of bed, sire?” Merlin flashed a fleeting glance back towards me.

“No, which is no concern of yours. Where is George?” I changed the subject.

“Sick, sire. I’ll be filling in until he is well enough to return.”

I issued a rather loud groan.

“I’m not too pleased either, my lord.”

Submitting myself to the less-than pleasant, but at least temporary circumstances, I rose from my bed, shoved the last bits of my breakfast into my mouth, and stood in front of my dressing mirror, with my arms stretched out.

“Well?” I asked, impatient.

“Yes?” Merlin responded, clueless.

“Stop standing there, useless in the corner, and help me get my shirt on.”

“You...you can’t dress yourself?” Merlin chuckled and tried to hide his incriminating smile behind his hand.

“Well…” I hesitated. “Of course I can. But it’s  _ your _ job to dress me so that you learn your place.” Merlin stood stoic in the corner. “I’m serious. Today you are my manservant. This is part of the job description.” When Merlin still didn’t respond, I raised my voice a touch. “Get on with it, then!”

Merlin finally moved to place my undershirt over my head, and his calloused fingers cinched the strings that kept my shirt tight against my chest. The pads of his fingers brushed my collarbone, and I could feel their heat leave warmth where they touched my body. I smiled at him as he proceeded to bring me my chainmail and scarlet cloak, and finally the rest of my armor.

“Will that be all, sire?” Merlin questioned as he stood back and admired his handiwork.

“For now, yes. But when I come back in the evening, I expect my room to be clean, the linen to be fresh, and all my spare armor to be polished.” I did not wait for a response as I swept out the door with my sword tucked under my belt.

* * *

I woke to the sound of Merlin bustling about my chambers while the sun cast its rays onto my unsuspecting eyes. I let out a grumble in complaint. “You again, Merlin? It’s been two weeks. How sick can George be?”

Expecting a reply along the lines of  _ Not as sick as I’ll be if I have to put up with your attitude for one more day _ , I was surprised when Merlin turned to look me in the eye and somberly answered “George passed away in his sleep last night. There was nothing Gaius could do. It was an incurable illness.”

“Oh,” I simply responded, shocked at the sudden news.

“So that means you’re stuck with me indefinitely,” Merlin broke the silence with a serious tone, even though his words attempted to lighten the mood.

I let out another grumble, this time more jokingly. “I suppose it does, Merlin. At least this will give me time to make a proper servant of you, yet.”


	4. Chapter 4

I remember the first time Merlin saved my life.

 

“Merlin!” I snapped as soon as I thrust open the door to my bedchambers. “Draw me a bath and fetch me my best clothes. I have a feast to attend tonight with the knights of three different kingdoms.”

Merlin jumped up from his cramped position polishing my boots in the corner and rushed to do my bidding. “Yes, sire,” he nodded submissively. I sat on the edge of my neatly made, spotless bed, and watched Merlin as he worked. His midnight curls of hair tended to fall in his eyes as he moved, and I supposed that must be annoying to have to brush them away every few minutes.

“Merlin,” I interrupted the soft sound of Merlin’s footsteps across the floorboards.

“Yes, sire?” Merlin replied mindlessly, focusing on not spilling the very full bucket of water he was carrying towards my washbin.

“Get a haircut,” I ordered, my eyes observing the way Merlin’s hair bounced as he dumped the bucket of water where it belonged.

“Sire?” he asked, looking up from my washbin, confused.

“You’re starting to look like a girl, and besides, no manservant of Camelot lets his hair fall into his eyes as he works.”

Merlin allowed a smile to creep below his razor-sharp cheekbones as he laughed. “Yes, sire. Just one more chore to add to the never ending list you seem to enjoy making.”

“I do,” I replied rather smugly. Seeing as my bath was ready and my clothes for the evening were laid crisply on my chair, I addressed Merlin once more. “You can go, but I’ll need you downstairs once the feast begins to help attend to the guests.”

“Yes sire,” Merlin responded with the two words that seemed to make up the majority of his vocabulary, and turned to take his leave. As I sunk into the cool water and began to scrub my back, my thoughts turned to the night ahead and I smiled at the thought of drinking, feasting, and sharing tales of valor with the knights of the surrounding kingdoms.

* * *

I entered the open dining hall from the dimly lit staircase and was instantly immersed in the pungent scent of mouth-watering delectables and joyous shouts of welcome. Snatching a goblet of dark, swirling wine from the closest servant, I made my way to the head of the table where my father and Morgana sat, already working on their dinners. When I sat down and filled my plate, my eyes glanced around the room, delighting in the festivities of the raucous men, until they settled on a pair of friendly blue orbs that were focused on me. Merlin. I smiled and started devouring my food.

The night passed on with hours of laughter, drunken story telling, and endless plates of food. I enjoyed the company of the knights, and revelled in having a large audience to poke fun at the sometimes embarrassing escapades of my own personal knights.

By the time the party had drifted into the darkest hours of the night, I couldn’t remember how many goblets of wine I had finished. Grabbing for another one, I began to tell about the time Sir Leon got stuck up a tree while he was trying to chase a sorcerer, when suddenly I noticed Merlin sprinting towards me very un-servant-like. “Merlin?” I interrupted my tale to ask what was going on.

“Sire!” Merlin finally reached me and violently knocked my newly obtained goblet out of my hand, and it crashed onto the floor. The knights around me had all stood up and had their hands on the hilts of their swords, ready to spring into action.

“Merlin!” I reprimanded. “What on Earth is this about?”

Breathless, Merlin took a moment to respond. “That man...green cloak...poisoned your cup...I saw him…”

Instantly grateful and sorry for scolding the man who had just saved my life, I demanded that Gaius be found to test the spilled liquid for poison, and sent five of my best knights to search for the mysterious man in the green cloak.

Once the knights returned with no sign of the criminal and the guests of the feast had begun to make their way back to their rooms for the night, I decided it was time for me to take my leave as well. I bid goodnight to my father and Morgana, promising the former that I would not be late for training the next day.

I trotted up the stone stairwell, lost in the delicate sounds my boots made against the steps, and found myself outside Gaius’ door. Knowing Merlin would be inside, I decided it would probably be appropriate if I thanked Merlin for saving my life.

I issued a gentle knock, then quickly opened the door to find a very surprised and very tired-looking Merlin staring at me with innocent eyes.

“My lord?”  Merlin addressed me.

“Merlin,” I extended my hand to Merlin in gratitude. “I just wanted to say...err...thank you. For your actions tonight. Your attention to detail and bravery in the face of danger are much appreciated.”

Merlin took my hand and shook it much more firmly than I expected. I gripped his hand tighter in an effort not to display a weak handshake. “Just doing my job, sire.” he replied with a shimmer in his eye. I smiled, let go of his hand, and turned to leave, letting my mind mull over our encounter as I made my way back to my chambers.


	5. Chapter 5

I remember the first time I saw Merlin fight.

 

The trees created a canopy around us as our hunting party made our way into the forests of Camelot. Beyond the treetops, the brilliant blue sky was spotless. On the ground, the leaves cast dappled shadows which danced like ghosts to the rhythm of the wind. The only sounds in the forest were those of a babbling brook in the distance, and the half a dozen horses trotting towards unsuspecting game.  _ Wait, _ I thought. Those were the  _ only _ sounds in the forest. There was no birdsong. And when there was no birdsong, it meant there was a dangerous presence, which was most certainly not our hunting party.

I held up a hand that signaled the four knights behind me, and Merlin, who had taken to accompanying me on these excursions, to stop. They obeyed. I looked ahead at the forest, searching for bandits or sorcerers or anything out of the ordinary. The forest became deathly silent.

_ Crack! _ The silence was broken by the distant snapping of a fallen tree-branch.  _ Crack! Crack! _ Two more branches snapped, each one closer and closer to where I sat atop my steed. Each member of our hunting party drew their swords, save Merlin, who never carried a weapon. I tossed him my extra sword, which he nimbly caught.

Before I could blink, let alone react, one of my men was knocked from his horse by a creature that looked to me like a cross between a wolf and a boar. This creature was fast, faster than you could believe. In a matter of seconds, it had all of us on the ground, slashing our swords at empty air. The six of us backed into a circular formation, so as to keep eyes all around. The creature had disappeared again. I tried to recall its appearance, but shivered in fear once I did. It was stoutly, though it was quick; it was covered in a coarse fur and had paws as big as my head. But its most vicious feature was its horns. They adorned its body, stretching along its jawline to its menacing snarl, and up across its forehead and spine. It was terrifying, and I had never seen anything like it.

Merlin, the knights and I fell silent as we waited for the creature to make its attack. There would be no more snapping branches to warn us this time. Suddenly, the creature leapt from the forest and hit my body full-force, its long, spiky tail thrashing me against a tree. I thrust my sword into its side, rejoiced at the sight of its black blood dripping, but then quickly dismayed when the creature seemed not to be affected. Instead, the creature swiveled its head to face Merlin and my knights, and the five of them readied for the imminent attack.

Recovering against the tree I had been so forcefully shoved towards, my eyes witnessed in fear the spectacle before me. But what I expected to be a massacre, what with the way the creature managed to best me, was more of an even fight. To my surprise, Merlin, the untrained, unskilled, servant boy lead the attack against the vicious creature. As I watched, I noticed a fire in his eyes so strong that it could melt iron from across the forest. I was astounded at his bravery. Merlin had saved my life once before, but I had never known him to be so...capable.

In a matter of minutes, the fight was over, Merlin’s sword (mine, really, which I had just let him borrow) was in the creature’s chest, and the animal lay dying at our feet. Removing the sword from the flesh, Merlin cleaned the blade with a spare cloth he had in his pocket and offered it to me.

“No Merlin,” I whispered, still shocked. “You keep it. After what you’ve done here today, you deserve it.”

“But sire‒” Merlin started to protest. I shut him up with a stubborn glance.

“Thank you,” he muttered.

“No,” I rested my hand on his shoulder, noting how muscular and how right it felt under my palm. “Thank you.”


	6. Chapter 6

I remember the first time I truly feared for Merlin’s life.

 

“We have you surrounded!” I bellowed into the mouth of the dripping, moss-covered cave. A dozen of my best knights (and Merlin) stood with me in a semicircle around the gaping entrance. Inside, we had trapped a sorcerer who had been found guilty of attempting to harm the Lady Morgana with magic, and later escaping our dungeons.

“You can’t wait in there forever!” I yelled.

“You’re right…” an eerie voice crept out from within the cave. “I can’t!” Suddenly the voice boomed across the forest and a massive shockwave knocked all of us to the ground. Scrambling to my feet, I ran off in pursuit of the shadowy figure which was now out of the cave and climbing up the steep hill to my left.

“This way!” I shouted behind me for my men to follow. By the time I reached the top of the hill, Merlin was at my side, and the rest of my men were not far behind. In front of us ran the sorcerer, weaponless, but far from defenseless. When he noticed that we were catching up to him, his hands stretched behind him and bolts of hot white energy sprouted from his palms. One of them hit a tree to my left, the impact causing the tree to topple and crash down onto the unsuspecting undergrowth. The other bolt wizzed so close to me that I could feel the waves of energy pulsing from it, and it knocked me off my feet.

Behind me, I heard a scream of anguish, and knew instantly that this bolt had not hit a tree like the other.

“Merlin!” I cried, as soon as I recognized the owner of the scream.

“After him!” my voice cracked as I ordered the rest of my men, vengeance already on my mind.

I clambered my way to Merlin, who had collapsed into a heap on the soil, and shook his shoulder gently to see if he was responsive. No movement. I lowered my ear to his chest and listened as well as I could.  _ Thump-thump _ . I was relieved, and felt the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. Two out of three wasn’t bad. Knowing that Merlin was going to need serious medical attention from Gaius, I slid one of my arms beneath the crook of Merlin’s limp knees and the other beneath his neck so as to rest his head in the dip between my shoulder and my chest. I could feel his hot breath on my cheek, but concerned myself with running as fast as I could towards where we had left our horses.

By the time I reached the clearing which was crowded with majestic stallions of Camelot, my arms were weak from carrying Merlin, but they were also the least of my concerns. I yelled to the stable boy we had left to guard the horses while we were away, “Merlin is hurt! Stay here with the horses until the knights return! Tell them I’ve gone back to the castle!”

With that, I flung Merlin’s fragile body over the side of my horse, jumped up, and rode as fast as I could towards home, and towards safety. As I rode, I held the reins with one sweaty palm and Merlin with the other. His body was so cold, and I cradled him close to my chest so that he wouldn’t fall off.

“I’ll get you home, Merlin. I promise,” I whispered through clenched teeth.

* * *

When the sound of my horse’s hooves galloping on soft earth transitioned to the sound of clanging on stone, I was home. I rode my horse all the way through the outer village, up to the courtyard, and as close to the castle corridors as I could. Sweeping off my steed, I carried Merlin in the same fashion I had before, and rushed to Gaius.

“Help him,” I managed to say once I burst into the physician’s room, flushed and breathy.

With shock in his eyes but experienced words on his lips, Gaius asked simply “What happened?”

Laying Merlin softly down on the patient’s bed, I replied, “We were trying to capture the sorcerer, when Merlin was struck by a bolt of white energy. Magic. It was massive, and very powerful.” Pausing, I added in a whisper, “He was so brave.”

Gaius flashed a quick glance up at me at my last words, and then proceeded to bustle about his quarters, searching for various medicines.

“Can you help him?” I asked, fear manifesting itself in my voice.

After a longer hesitation than I felt comfortable with, Gaius responded “Yes. I have all the ingredients here to make a poultice which should draw the magic from his body, but I need you to remove his shirt so that we can make sure the bolt left no burn wounds.”

A little flustered at being told so simply to take off Merlin’s shirt, it took me a moment to move over to where Merlin lie, unconscious, and begin to move the fabric off of his chest and over his head. As I did, I tried to be careful not to bend Merlin’s arms into any awkward positions. When his shirt was finally off, it revealed a bare, fleshy chest which was scarred with crimson burns that radiated from the center of his body, down his sides, and up towards his neck, stopping just above his collarbone.

I stifled a gasp. The whole time I was riding with him, I had no idea how bad Merlin was truly hurt. Staring at his cold, beaten body, I began to wonder how Merlin could live through this much pain.

Glancing up at Gaius’ old, wise eyes, I was frightened to see the same fear and concern for Merlin in the depths of his irises which were surely visible in my own. Despite his emotions, Gaius continued to mix droplets of liquids and grind herbs, which he then force-fed to a very pale looking Merlin. Then, I watched as Gaius methodically cleaned Merlin’s wounds, bandaged the worst of them, and applied a smelly ointment across Merlin’s damaged chest.

After what seemed like hours, Gaius stood from forcing Merlin to swallow some water and joined me a few feet away from my unconscious manservant.

“I’ve done all that I can, sire. The only thing to do now is wait and let the poultice do its job.”

“Do you think he will be okay?” I asked nervously.

Gaius paused. “It’s hard to say, sire. But if I know Merlin, he won’t go out without a fight.”

I smiled at Gaius’ words, despite his inability to soothe my nerves, and responded, “I’m going to stay here for a while if you don’t mind. Just to make sure he’s okay.”

Gaius nodded kindly. “Of course, sire. There is some soup on the table if you get hungry, or I can have Gwen or one of the other servants bring you something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.” I lied. If Merlin couldn’t eat, than neither would I.

As Gaius left the main room, I strode over to where Merlin lay and knelt beside him, listening to him breathe. Unsure about what to do with my fingers, I finally settled for grasping one of Merlin’s cold hands in both of mine.

The world which had seemed to be moving so fast only moments ago now slowed to a painful pace. My fingers stroked Merlin’s dried skin as I let myself become flooded with grief. Ever since Merlin was struck down, I had been moving. My mind was preoccupied with saving Merlin, so I didn’t have time to wonder what a world without him would be like. I would certainly get called a royal prat less often. I smiled grimly.

_ A world without Merlin, _ I thought. My mind went blank. I literally could not imagine one.  _ What does that say about me? _ I thought, even though I really didn’t want to know.

I sat there, on that hard bench, knees bent, exhausted, not eating and not sleeping, until the next morning. My hands had begun to sweat vigorously from holding Merlin’s for so long, but I dared not let go, because it felt like I was Merlin’s link to the living world, and I couldn’t risk severing that link.

Just as my lids began to droop from fatigue, I heard a muffled gurgle rise from Merlin’s throat. He stirred.

“Merlin!” I exclaimed, as quiet as I could be, considering how happy I was.

“Arthur?” Merlin asked groggily, dropping the formalities. I didn’t mind.

“I’m here. Are you okay? How do you feel? You scared me half to death.” I couldn’t seem to get the words out fast enough.

“I scared  _ you _ half to death? Who’s the one with their chest ripped open lying painfully on a stiff cot?” Merlin quipped in his typical way.

I let myself smile for him, then glanced down at the very chest he had mentioned, letting my eyes linger for longer than they probably should have.

When Merlin noticed my hands still holding his, he flashed me a cheeky smile and began, “Arthur…”

“Woah! No…” I dropped his hand and raised mine in a gesture of good faith, not wanting him to read too much into my show of affection at a time when I thought he was dying. “I better go get Gaius,” I changed the subject, rising for the first time from that stiff wooden bench. I left quickly and closed the door quietly behind me, making my way to find Gaius on his daily errands around the castle. I didn’t have far to go.

“Gaius!” I greeted as I turned the first corner. “Merlin’s awake. You should probably check on him.”

“Thank you, sire. I’m on my way,” Gaius responded.

As I turned towards my bedchambers to get some sleep, I couldn’t stop smiling. Merlin had scared me so much, but now he was back. Merlin was back, and I wouldn’t have to worry about facing a world without him by my side.


	7. Chapter 7

I remember the first time Merlin and I talked about love.

 

“This has been a lovely evening, Arthur,” the lady before me curtsied as we arrived outside her bedchambers. Her silk lilac skirts swept the cobbled stone floor as she moved, and they made elegant  _ swooshing _ sounds as they brushed over her feet.

“I feel the same, Lady Emilia. I hope you sleep well. I will see you in the morning,” I curtly replied. She turned and flawlessly stepped into her chambers, long, auburn hair trailing behind, leaving me in a cold, dimly lit hallway. I began to walk back towards my room, thankful that the night was finally over. Lady Emilia was lovely company, but I all the girls my father was “encouraging” me to spend time with were beginning to blur together. I was just proud of myself for managing to call this one by the right name for the whole day.

Once I reached my chambers, I opened the heavy oaken doors and walked in to see Merlin staring out my bedroom window.

“Merlin!” At the sound of my voice, Merlin sharply spun around. “Aren’t you supposed to be cleaning something?” I castigated.

“All done, sire. Last thing to do is undress you and get you ready for bed.”

“Ah, yes,” I remembered.

“Merlin?” I asked once he began removing my cape and chainmail. “What do you think...about all these women father is making me meet?”

“I think they are all lovely ladies,” Merlin replied without looking up from his work.

Waiting until he met my eyes, I asked again, “But what do you think...about  _ why _ father is doing this? I know that he’s pressuring me to find a wife, but it just doesn’t seem like a very good way to do it. How am I supposed to find someone I love if I only get to spend a day or two with them until they are replaced by another?”

“You don’t believe in love at first sight?” Merlin asked, pausing from his duties.

“I don’t think so,” I responded, somewhat unsure of my answer. “But I believe love is built on friendship and trust. And those things take time. I think if I was going to fall in love, it would be with the person I trusted the most. With the person I knew the best.”

Merlin had now finished undressing me, and I stood, barely clothed, ready for sleep. Neither of us said anything for the moment. We just stood, unmoving, searching each other’s eyes for...something. We didn’t know what.

Merlin broke the comfortable silence that seemed to last an eternity. “I agree. If I was going to fall in love. It would be with the person I trusted the most, and with the person I knew the best.” His voice was low and soft, and his eyes had strayed from their lock with mine, and were making their way down my torso, to the floorboards.

“Merlin,” I began after a while, his brilliant cobalt eyes rising to meet mine once more. “Goodnight,” I whispered gently.

“Goodnight, my lord,” Merlin echoed as he made his way out of my chambers. “Sleep well.”


	8. Chapter 8

I remember the first time I held Merlin’s hand (and he  _ wasn’t _ dying).

 

“ _ Mer _ lin, it’s too early for this,” I grumbled, dragging out the first syllable of my manservant’s name.

“Sorry, sire,” Merlin apologized, even though we both knew he didn’t mean it. “But you’ve got a lot of meetings today. Ceremonies to attend; knights to honor. Can’t afford to be late.” Merlin bustled about my room, cleaning as he moved from place to place. “Breakfast is on the table.”

“Great,” I managed to speak groggily before my mouth was stuffed with bread.

When I finished breakfast, Merlin brought me my clothes and armor, ready to make me look presentable. His adept fingers moved swiftly as he replaced my nightshirt with a clean undershirt and grabbed for my coat, which I wore underneath my heavy chainmail. As Merlin continued to dress me, I let myself become completely absorbed in watching him. He moved with such precision, and his fingers obeyed him gracefully as he tied knots and fashioned buttons I would usually fumble with. His hair bounced as he worked, and I wondered what it would be like to run my fingers through his charcoal locks. If they would curl around my fingers. If they would part as I rustled their foundation.

Merlin moved routinely around me, and I tried to catch glimpses of his eyes in the mirror when he wasn’t facing me. They were so beautiful. I knew they were really blue, but sometimes they looked like moving shadows in the night, and sometimes they looked like they were burning, burning, burning an endless flame. As he dressed me, though, his eyes looked like a spinning forest, with darks and lights and an infinity of greens.

“There,” Merlin said at last as he fastened my belt around my waist. The last thing he had to do was place my prized sword in its holster. Merlin did so slowly, sliding it in with care, and we listened to the familiar sound of metal scraping metal. Just as his hand was about to leave the hilt of my sword, I did something dangerous and unexpected and terrifying. I grabbed his hand. I don’t know why, but I wanted to feel his hand in mine. I wanted our fingers to interlock, and I wanted to be able to pull him close. They did and I did.

My breath was caught in my throat, and it barely registered how perfectly his palm rested against my own, because I was too scared about what I just did. What was I thinking? What was  _ Merlin _ thinking? Surely he was appalled that I had tried to touch him, because I could see the shock in his eyes. But he didn’t let go. Not at first. The two of us just stood there, holding hands, close, but not any closer than we usually were. Our eyes were locked and they shared the same fear.

Too quickly, Merlin pulled his hand away, and I lowered my gaze in shame.

“M‒my lord…” Merlin stammered, flustered, with nothing to say.

“Sorry,” I managed to squeak out, trying my hardest (and failing) to regain my composure.

Without bothering to ask to be excused, Merlin ducked his head and scurried out of the room, forgetting to take my cleared breakfast platter with him. I let him go.

I sat down on my unmade bed and thought. Why had I done that? Gone and held Merlin’s hand? It was one thing when he was dying on Gaius’ patient bed, but this was different. I had wanted this so badly, and I had wanted it for me. Everything about Merlin, everything about the way he moved and how he looked and who he was begged for me to touch him. To grab his hand and never let go.

I had never felt this way about anyone. Scared, I wondered if this was what love was supposed to feel like. There was no way to know for sure, but the pounding of my heart and the fireworks that seemed to be exploding in my lungs made me think that maybe it was. This realization made me want to smile, so I did, and I rose from my bed, flung open my doors, and made my way down the corridor.


	9. Chapter 9

 

I remember the first time I missed Merlin so much it hurt.

 

After the morning I held his hand, it was all I could think about. I went from meeting to meeting, I trained with my knights and spoke with my father, but all I could think about was what I had done. My mouth spoke out of habit. My feet moved without me telling them to. To the outside world, I was composed and princely. Inside my head, I was terrified and excited.

I had held Merlin’s hand. What did that make me? Less of a man? I knew my father would say so, but my father was wrong about a lot of things.

I had held Merlin’s hand. Why? What could have possibly compelled me to do such a thing? I didn’t know, but somewhere deep inside myself I knew that if I had a choice, I would do it again. Yes, I would hold Merlin’s hand again.

I had held Merlin’s hand. Was that all I wanted to do? I blushed a deep scarlet. No, it wasn’t. But anything I wanted was obviously out of the question.

The day dragged by as I waited for the sun to set and for dinner with my father and Morgana to end. I was torn. Half of me (the terrified half) dreaded the shame of having to see Merlin again, so soon after this morning. Surely he would have something to say to me by now, and I seriously feared that he would push me away. The other half of me (the excited half) couldn’t wait another moment to see his beautiful face. I needed to look into his eyes and know that he forgave me. I didn’t dare hope that whatever affections I had developed towards him would be reciprocated, but I needed to know that Merlin was still my friend.

As I approached the entrance to my chambers, I took a deep breath and readied myself for whatever it was I would face in the room in front of me. Opening the door, I saw the silhouette of a trim figure outlined against the fading light from the window.

“Merlin…” I breathed, an apology forming in my mouth.

The figure spun around and lowered into a bow. When his face became visible, my lips immediately curved into a frown. This was not Merlin.

“Your highness,” the little kiss-up spoke. “Merlin took a leave of absence this afternoon. My name is Allister. I will be covering for Merlin until he returns.”

“Very well,” I uttered a hushed reply as I positioned myself for Allister to begin removing my armor, even though all was  _ not _ very well. Merlin had taken a leave of absence. He obviously didn’t want to see me, so he mustn't have welcomed my very forward actions. I closed my eyes and felt so guilty. I couldn’t bear to lose Merlin. I knew that for sure, so I would have to do everything in my power to regain his friendship, even if that meant giving him space for as long as he needed it.

When Allister was done, he slipped out the doors, and I missed hearing the way Merlin would usually say goodnight. _ “Sleep well, you royal prat. I’ll be here to wake you and get yelled at in the morning.” _

I lay staring at the canopy above my bed, accepting the fact that Merlin probably wouldn’t be waking me for a few mornings. Sad and missing my one and only manservant, I drifted off into sleep.

* * *

The next few weeks were torture for me. Every day, I woke up to a too quiet and too polite Allister, who did everything I asked without complaining. I hated it. When I walked the corridors of the castle, sometimes I would see Merlin running errands for Gaius. Neither of us could bear to speak a word when we saw each other. We just scanned each other’s eyes and shared a knowing, awkward look. We would hurry on our way, our thoughts scattered and our hearts confused.

The days went by and I found myself drowning in a sea of misery. There was an ever-present pang in my chest, and every time I looked around the room and Merlin wasn’t there; every time I glanced at Allister and his thin, sandy hair wasn’t the beautiful shade of midnight I expected it to be, my heart sunk closer to my toes. I found it hard to concentrate on what seemed like trivial matters: solving food shortages, organizing hunting parties, drafting treaties. Life moved on, but my world refused to budge.

* * *

“Arthur,” Gwen greeted forcefully one afternoon, about two and a half weeks since Merlin and I had last spoken. I stopped walking down the hallway to stand by her, as she set down the clean sheets she was carrying on a nearby end table.

“Yes, Guinevere?” I asked respectfully. She had earned my friendship as one of the most trustworthy and loyal servants in all of Camelot.

Gwen wasted no time and got straight to the point. “I know you and Merlin aren’t talking, and I have no idea why. I asked him about it, but he wouldn’t tell me. You don’t need to tell me why, you just need to talk to Merlin. Please. He’s become a bit of a grump lately, and he’s starting to get on everybody’s nerves.”

I was shocked that Merlin was so affected by his absence from my side. I thought it was just me. “Gwen…” I trailed. “I don’t think Merlin wants to talk to me. If he did, he would just come to see me himself.”

“Oh Arthur,” Gwen smiled a bit, like she knew something I didn’t. My eyes narrowed. “You want to talk to Merlin, right?” She took my silence as a yes. “Then why don’t  _ you _ go talk to  _ him _ ? If you keep using the same ‘logic’ you just expressed to me, the two of you will  _ never _ make up, and I don’t think I can stand Absent Arthur and Mopey Merlin for one day more.”

“But are you sure‒” I was interrupted.

“Yes. Just talk to him. For me. Please?” Guinevere’s chocolate doe eyes widened and she knew she was getting what she wanted.

“Fine,” I sighed. “But only for you,” I smiled. I opened my arms to offer Gwen a parting hug, and she entered my embrace willingly. “Thank you,” I whispered in her ear, the scent of her honey hair rising to meet my nostrils.

“You know I’m always here for you, Arthur,” Guinevere whispered back, her sweet breath tickling my skin. We broke our hug, and I took her delicate hands in mine.

“I know,” I replied, giving her hands a squeeze before continuing to walk down the hallway, my footsteps echoing. Behind me, I heard Gwen sigh, pick up her sheets, and head in the opposite direction.

* * *

“Sire?” Merlin spoke softly as he entered my chambers that night.

“Merlin,” I greeted cheerily, trying to keep the relief out of my voice that he had come.

“You wanted to see me?” Merlin meekly asked as he approached where I stood by the window.

“Yes,” my eyes lowered, embarrassed, as I tried to think of what to say. “I’m...I’m sorry for what I did a few weeks ago. It didn’t mean anything. It won’t happen again.” I couldn’t say for sure how truthful I was being, but I would say anything to get Merlin back. “I just want us to be friends again.”

Merlin’s innocent eyes greeted my apology, but I couldn’t tell if he was grateful for or disappointed by it. “Me too, Arthur,” he at last responded. “And I’m sorry for relinquishing my duties for a while. At the time, I thought it...best,” Merlin searched for the word.

“So...friends?” I extended a handshake to Merlin, and it seemed we had both mutually agreed never to mention the fact that I had tried to take his hand in a way that was less than business-like before.

“Friends,” Merlin repeated. In the back of my mind, the words  _ Friends and nothing more _ lingered, but I couldn’t bear to say them out loud. They would be so final. We shook hands, and it took all of my strength to let go when Merlin’s grip loosened.

“Well then,” my voice rose to its normal tone. “You have a lot of work to do. Starting with polishing my armor downstairs. I want it spotless my tomorrow morning.”

“Yes, your royal clotpole,” Merlin responded with a wink as he turned to do my bidding.


	10. Chapter 10

I remember all the little moments Merlin and I rebuilt our friendship.

 

After weeks apart from each other, Merlin and I found it surprisingly easy to fall back into our same routines. Merlin would wake me up in the rudest way he could surmise, I would yell at him as a result, he would call me a spoiled prat, and I would call him a useless excuse of a servant. In short, everything in my world was the way it was supposed to be.

Merlin began accompanying me on hunting trips and military excursions again, saving me from being the only recipient of Sir Gwaine’s unending chatter when the larger group split into factions.

I gained a new appreciation for Merlin’s company. When he spoke, it was with a purpose, and he was always truthful. Everything he did, he did to the best of his ability, even if it didn’t come naturally to him. He always acted with kindness; even behind the insults he liked to fling at me, there was an affection I was all too happy to return.

I learned to cherish Merlin’s friendship in a new way. Since I knew nothing else would come of our relationship...whatever that might have been...I learned to love Merlin as he was. My manservant. My friend.

* * *

“Merlin!” I called one sunny afternoon from behind my dressing screen. “Is my bath water ready yet? I need to smell my best for the visiting princess this evening.”

“You should have thought of that before you decided to take a dive into the pig-sty earlier,” Merlin piped up.

“Hey,” I scolded, peering my head around the wooden barrier. “You and I both know Sir Leon wouldn’t have been able to knock me in there if you’d polished my sword properly.”

Merlin giggled. “How would having a shinier sword prevent you from getting beat by your best knight?”

I searched for a valid argument in vain. “Well it couldn’t have hurt,” I eventually replied, defeated for the second time that day.

Changing the subject, Merlin informed me, “All ready sire, I’ll see you at the feast later tonight,” and then he left.

* * *

“Lady Bethany. A pleasure,” I leaned to kiss the Lady’s hand before me. Her skin was soft and smelled like fine perfume. When my eyes raised to meet hers, I was drawn in by their vibrant hue. They shone like sparkling waterfalls, especially in contrast with the ebony shadows that made up her long, cascading hair.

“The pleasure is all mine, Prince Arthur,” she responded elegantly.

“Shall I accompany you to the dining hall?” I asked, extending the crook of my elbow for her to take.

“I would be honored,” she took my arm, as lady-like as any woman that walked the Earth.

When we entered the dining hall, every knight rose from their seats to properly greet the visiting princess. She beamed beautifully as we walked to our places at the head of the arranged tables, and I found her smile contagious. Once we sat, my eyes locked with Merlin’s, who was pouring expensive wine into the goblets of the men placed at the end farthest from where I sat. We shared a friendly smile.

The night was filled with good food, fair company, and an unprecedented amount of dancing. The Lady Bethany was quite fond of the activity, which probably arose from her natural talent to sway in time with the music. I, on the other hand, was an absolute klutz. More than once, as I moved with one arm on Lady Bethany’s waist and the other gently holding her hand, I caught Merlin giggling in the corner, watching from a distance. It took all of my strength not to drop Lady Bethany’s hand and walk over to slap Merlin upside the head with my own.

Before I knew it, the dining hall was nearly empty, I had had more than my fair share of wine, and it was time to escort Lady Bethany back to her chambers.

“I had a lovely evening, Arthur,” Lady Bethany cooed.

“As did I,” I found myself surprised that it was the truth for once.

“Camelot is a wonderful place, filled with the best of people, and I am so glad I had the opportunity to come,” she gushed.

“You are welcome back any time,” I said, and I truly meant it. “Your presence graces our kingdom.”

“You are too generous. But at least your kindness compensates for your lack of dancing skills,” she added with a wink. I laughed out loud.

The two of us had stopped outside her chambers, but neither of us moved to open the door. We just stood there, gazing into each other’s eyes, and reflecting on the night. She was so close. I could hear her heart beat and I could smell her sweet breath when she exhaled. She was so. Close. In a fraction of a moment, she was closer. She took one step towards me, pressed my back against the cold, hard stone, and kissed me. Her hands rested on my chest, her delicate lids closed, her mouth adjusted to fit my own, and she kissed me. Without realizing it, I soon discovered I was kissing back. I folded my arms around her sides and laced my fingers between each other, resting my hands on the small of her back. Our kiss seemed to last forever, but halfway through, I opened my eyes, peered past Lady Bethany’s raven hair, and observed another pair of vibrant blue eyes transfixed on the two of us. Merlin. The second he saw my eyes open, he turned and scurried down the hallway. I instantly broke my kiss with Lady Bethany.

Her eyes turned sheepishly to the floor, but she didn’t utter an apology for initiating the kiss. I think we both knew none was needed. Though my mind was somewhere else entirely, I managed to muster up a comforting smile to show Lady Bethany my gratitude, squeaked out a “Goodnight, fair princess,” and strode, barely composed, down the dimly lit corridor.

Once I turned the corner, I broke into a run in an attempt to find Merlin. “Merlin!” I called his name in a loud whisper. Just when I thought I had lost him, his head, topped off with a mess of dark curls, appeared from behind a nearby doorway. “Yes, sire?” he spoke.

“Merlin...I…” just then I stuttered, realizing I had no idea what to say.

“It’s alright, sire,” Merlin interrupted. “You don’t need to apologize for anything. I completely understand.” Merlin flashed an innocent and sweet smile, making me feel so, so guilty.

“Merlin,” I took on a serious tone of voice. “That kiss,” we both flinched a little at the word, “it honestly meant nothing.  _ Nothing _ .”

Merlin’s expression was unreadable. “I understand, sire, but even if it was...something...I would...understand,” he searched for the right ending to his sentence.

“You would?” I asked, trying to keep the disappointment out of my voice that Merlin wasn’t objecting to what he had just witnessed. I would have, if our roles had been reversed, and for some reason, I expected Merlin to, as well.

“Yes, sire,” my heart continued to sink when Merlin avoided calling me by name.

“Err...thank you,” I decided to end our awkward conversation. Merlin nodded and took my words as permission to continue on his way. I watched him go, his beautiful curls bouncing up and down as he took slow, careful steps. Turning the opposite direction, I felt such shame as I walked. I had enjoyed the kiss with Lady Bethany. I truly had. But the pain I felt when I saw Merlin was infinitely more overpowering. There shouldn’t have been anything wrong with what I had done, but in my heart, I felt tainted. Damaged. Impure.

It took everything in me to brush aside my feelings, head back to my bedchambers, and tell myself over and over again:  _ Merlin is just your friend.  _ Just _ your friend. _ I don’t think for one second I believed myself.


	11. Chapter 11

I remember the first time Merlin and I kissed.

 

“You wanted to see me, Father?” I approached my father and my king in the conference hall.

“Ah, yes, Arthur,” Father looked up from the dozens of maps scattered on the table before him. “I have a mission for you. We have been receiving reports from the outer villages of a magical creature that is terrorizing our lands. I have already sent word that the creature will be tracked down and killed immediately. I need you to take a patrol of armed men to slay this beast. I expect you to be ready to leave in a matter of hours.”

“Yes, Father,” I bowed. “Do we have any idea what this creature is like? What we are facing, I mean.”

“The descriptions were rather vague, but most agreed that it appeared to be a giant wolf, with the wings of a dragon,” my father stated incredulously.

I, too, found the creature hard to imagine. “Very well, then, I will gather my men and prepare to ride off,” I declared, exiting the large room with a final bow.

Once the doors were fully closed behind me, my eyes turned to the hallway ahead, and I saw Merlin bustling at the far end of the hall, probably on an errand-run for Gaius.

“Merlin!” I called for his attention, picking up my pace to catch up with him. “My father has informed me of a deadly beast in the outer villages. I’m organizing a patrol to leave as soon as we can. I assume you’re in?”

“You assume correctly,” Merlin flashed a smile.

“Great!” I replied, excited. “I expect you ready in the courtyard as soon as you have prepared a satchel.” Once I received a nod of obedience from Merlin, I rushed off to gather the rest of my men.

* * *

After packing supplies, informing the rest of the knights of my departure, and gathering last-minute details from my father, I entered the courtyard to be greeted by six smiling faces. Merlin, Leon, Percival, Lancelot, Gwaine, and Elyan stood, chatting amongst themselves, anticipating my arrival.

“He’s such a slow-poke,” I heard Merlin lean in to Sir Percival as I neared my hand-picked patrol.

“I heard that,” I focused my accusing glare in Merlin’s direction. Mounting my powerful steed, I motioned for my men to do the same and ordered “We’d better head out. We’ve more than a day’s ride ahead of us.”

The seven of us, clad in newly shined armor and long, scarlet capes (save Merlin, who wore his traditional navy shirt and cardinal neckerchief), rode gallantly out of the town and into the trees. The cold wind in my face chilled me to the bone, and I made a mental note to stop early for the night, to make sure we had fire before nightfall.

We rode furiously through the day, none of us saying a word, until the sun began to approach the western horizon and our horses panted with exhaustion. Breaking into a clearing roughly the size of Camelot’s courtyard, I slowed my horse and dismounted, giving him an affectionate pat and tying him to a nearby tree. When I turned to face the others, I saw that they had done the same, and we each moved to unpack our satchels, so as to set up camp for the night.

“Leon, Percival,” I faced the two men. “You two work on getting a fire burning. That is our top priority. Gwaine, Elyan, help me pitch our tents for the night and feed the horses. Merlin, Lancelot, gather the supplies for tonight’s stew and start preparing dinner once we have fire.” The seven of us turned to begin our respective tasks, and before long, everything had been accomplished.

“Mmmm,” I hummed quietly, my mouth watering as Merlin handed me a bowl of stew. “Thanks, Merlin,” I breathed happily.

“Hey, I had something to do with it, too,” Lancelot pouted across the blazing fire. I raised my bowl like I would raise a glass to a toast. “And thank  _ you _ , Sir Lancelot.” He shut his mouth with a satisfied smile.

We each ate our servings in silence, that is until Gwaine had finished scarfing his down, and began one of his favorite, which was also one of his  _ longest _ stories. After a few minutes of pretending to look engaged, I leaned away from the fire and finished my dinner. Soon after I had, Merlin approached from behind me and sat down by my side. I hadn’t even noticed his absence from the ring of knights that encircled the fire. He must have been cleaning the pot used to make the delicious stew.

“Merlin,” I smiled and let my eyes take in his features. He was breathtaking. The flickering light from the fire cast dancing shadows across his forehead, down his cutting cheekbones, and across his jaw. His bright eyes shone in the night, unable to be dulled by the lack of visibility. If anything, they seemed more noticeable.

“Arthur,” Merlin returned my greeting, but his eyes remained fixed on the fire before us. The two of us sat closer together than any of the other men, and we were far enough away from the fire to have a private conversation.

“Dinner was delicious. Good job,” I began.

“Are you okay?” Merlin turned to lock his gorgeous eyes with mine.

“Yes,” I instantaneously replied, stiffening at the unexpected question.

“Are you sure, because I think you just complimented me, and that is  _ not _ something you usually do,” Merlin teased.

I laughed a little. “I compliment you...when I think you do a good job,” I tried to defend myself.

“Do you really think so little of me, then?” Merlin asked with a light tone of voice, but I couldn’t help but take his question seriously.

Maintaining eye contact, I donned an honest expression. “Merlin,” I stopped to appreciate the sound of his name on my tongue. “I think the world of you. I think you are brave and funny and loyal and truthful and intelligent and a wonderful friend and one of the greatest men I have ever known.”  _ And you are so, so beautiful _ , I thought but didn’t dare say. “And I’m sorry that I don’t tell you often enough.”

Merlin stayed silent, our eyes caught in a wondering exchange that shared so much we could never express aloud. “Thank you,” he simply said before turning his gaze to the fire. My breath caught in my throat. There was so much more I wanted to tell him. I  _ needed _ to tell him, but I couldn’t find the strength. It would have been easier to rush into an army that outnumbered me ten-to-one than to continue that conversation with Merlin. To say what I needed to say and to hope that Merlin would still be listening by the time I had finished.

Just when I was about to open my mouth to speak with Merlin again, the knights surrounding the fire broke into a booming laughter. Gwaine had delivered the punchline at the end of his story and sat, rocking with laughter, and his audience was much the same.

Merlin smiled, amused from where he sat, and scooted closer to the group. I followed suit, resigning myself to an evening with the rest of our party.

A few hours of storytelling passed, until we decided it was time to sleep. Elyan took the first night-watch, and the rest of the night passed unceremoniously, with each of us taking our guard-shifts when our turns came.

Before long, the sun rose, brightening the sky with its lemon rays. The seven of us wolfed down a small breakfast of bread and dried fruit before we mounted our horses and committed ourselves to a full day of riding. As we crossed the rocky terrain, we stopped only twice: once at midday to eat, and once in the late afternoon to rest our horses. When the sun began to set, I inspected the map my father had given me, and found that we were less than an hour away from our destination. We decided to ride until we reached the village.

The sun had sunk below the horizon by the time we laid eyes on the small settlement, and the sky was quickly darkening as our horses trotted down the now paved roads. The village was made up of only about 20 buildings, and each of the houses looked to be 50 years old. The homes were small and close together, but there was a large, green, common space where toys, tools, and other miscellaneous items were strewn across the grass. There was not a villager to be seen, but about half of the houses had candlelight shining from inside their windows. We stopped in the center of the town, dismounted our horses, and headed to the nearest lighted house to ask for a place to stay.

“Hello,” I greeted the disheveled man who answered the door. “My men and I were sent from Camelot to slay the beast which has been terrorizing your town.” His weary eyes scanned my suit of armor and the men waiting behind me. “We were hoping for a place to stay for the night, if it’s not too much trouble. We’ll be out of your hair in the morning, but we need a place to rest before we head out tomorrow.”

After a moment of silence, the man spoke gruffly, his grey beard tickling his tongue as he talked, “There’s an abandoned house just across from the village well. You can stay there, and keep your horses in the nearby barn.” The man rudely shut the door in my face before I had the chance to issue a “Thank you”.

“Well,” I huffed as I turned around to face my men. “That was rude.” I received nods from all of my men, except for Merlin.

“He did offer us a place to stay,” he said.

“Yes, but a bit more respect couldn’t have hurt,” I argued.

“Perhaps, but we got what we asked for, so we shouldn’t complain.”

“We’re here to  _ help _ these people,” I couldn’t seem to let the subject go.

All of a sudden, Merlin’s face took on a passionate expression. “Yes, we’re here to help them today, by slaying a magical beast. But do we help them when their crops fail? When they can’t afford to pay royal taxes? When their children are starving and their homes are falling apart and there is nothing they can do about it? No.”

Sometimes I forgot that Merlin grew up in a village like this. That Merlin was  _ different _ . That he understood what it was like to go hungry sometimes and what it was like to be poor and what it was like to suffer in the dead of winter. “You’re right, Merlin. I’m sorry,” I hung my head in an apology.

Merlin didn’t say anything. He just walked off to collect his horse and put it in the barn the old man had motioned to. I watched him walk away. “Let’s go,” I lead the remaining group to follow after Merlin. Leon placed a comforting hand on my shoulder and the seven of us took up quarters in the tiny shelter.

* * *

Just as the sun peeked its warm head above the horizon, a rooster crowed in the public commons. All of us, crammed into the small space, woke up grumbling about not getting enough sleep, Percival complaining the loudest when he opened his eyes and saw (and worse, smelled, Gwaine’s feet inches from his face.

After a refreshing breakfast, we all exited the house, gathered our horses from the nearby, dilapidated barn, and planned to head into the surrounding forest in search of the creature which the villagers claimed was somewhere between a wolf and a dragon, and twice as ferocious as either. We asked one of the inhabitants of the quaint village which direction the animal was last seen heading, and decided to split into two hunting parties.

“Merlin, Leon, and Gwaine, you’re with me,” I instructed. “Percival, Elyan, and Lancelot, you take the end North of the river; we’ll take the South end. Shout if you find the creature, and be on guard at all times,” I warned before we headed our separate ways.

The forest surrounding the village was beautiful. It was actually quite similar to the one I was used to, the one just outside Camelot’s gates, except this one had slightly more rocky terrain. As Merlin, Leon, Gwaine, and I slowly explored the land by horseback, I found it difficult not to be distracted by the nature around me. The sky was clear, the birds were singing, the trees were healthy, and the land was at peace. Seemingly. It was easy to forget that we were hunting a vicious creature when the world looked so perfect.

After a few hours trekking the landscape, we decided to head back to the village and see if the others had found anything. Before we could command our horses to turn back, we heard a screech like an eagle’s, except it was deeper, and so, so much louder. The four of us kicked our stallions into a sprint, and we headed toward the noise. Our horses jumped the river that ran from the distant mountains to the village we had stayed in, and broke into a large clearing where Percival, Lancelot, and Elyan stood, without their horses, in a line, defending themselves against an enormous creature.

It was truly a terrifying sight. The creature had a mouth bigger than my head, which curled into a saliva-dripping snarl, glowing yellow eyes, and matted fur which stunk of blood. Protruding from its muscular sides was a set of firm wings, which were also coated in fur. Although the wings were starkly different from a dragon’s in that they were smaller and not covered in scales, I could see why the villagers had chosen to describe the animal before us as a cross between a wolf and a dragon.

Before any of us had time to charge the creature, it swung one of its massive wings toward the three horseless knights and knocked them all to their feet. Then, it leapt over their bodies, towards me. I raised my sword, aiming for its chest, when my horse suddenly reared and threw me backwards. I managed to roll out of the way just before one of the beast’s sharp-clawed paws landed on the ground beside me. I rose to my feet, out of breath, and joined the rest of my men, who were behind the animal, all of their horses spooked and fleeing the beast. The seven of us stood our ground, swords raised high, ready to attack the animal. When it charged once again, we all let out battle cries, took different positions, and stabbed the mass of moving flesh wherever we could find an opening.

We were relentless, but so was the creature. In a matter of minutes. Percival, Elyan, and Gwaine were knocked to the borders of the clearing, unconscious or too wounded to move. That was half of my men. Deciding it was too risky to continue our attack, I shouted “Retreat!” and turned to help Merlin to his feet, who had just tripped after ducking a blow from the wild animal. Just then, I felt a searing pain contact my back, and I felt myself falling, falling, falling face-first onto the ground. “Arthur!” I heard Merlin scream. His voice was the last thing I registered before I blacked out.

* * *

The world was dark and cold. All I could feel was a hard surface against my back, and I hurt everywhere. I opened my eyes, but I still strained to see anything in the darkness of...wherever I was.

“Arthur?” my vision adjusted and I heard a hopeful whisper come from across what I learned to be an enclosed cave. I let out a pained grunt in reply, sat up with my back against the wall, and felt the owner of the whisper move to sit beside me. It was Merlin.

“Oh my God, you’re okay,” Merlin’s voice cracked hushedly. He buried his head in my shoulder. I stiffened, but I didn’t want him to move.

“Ye‒yeah,” I hesitated. “I think I’m okay...I’m just sore...everywhere.”

“I know,” Merlin added, lifting his head from my shoulder. “I checked you for wounds and applied a poultice to your back, where the creature scratched you. You’ll be okay, you’re just going to hurt like hell for a while.” It was then that I realized I was shirtless, which was why the stone wall was so cold against my skin. I shuddered a bit.

Merlin leaned closer to my side, and I could feel heat radiating off of him. I needed it. I needed him.  _ No _ , I told myself.  _ No, you can’t let yourself get distracted like this. _ My thoughts were interrupted by the warmth of Merlin’s breath settling on my cheek. I closed my eyes. When I opened them, I found Merlin staring at me, an unreadable expression on his face. Before I had a moment to wonder what was going on, Merlin had flung one leg over me so that he was on his knees, straddling my legs extended on the hard ground. He placed his warm hands on the part of my neck that curved to meet my shoulders, he leaned in, his eyes wide open, absorbing every part of me, and placed his lips on mine. I immediately opened my lips to suction our mouths together. For the first time, I felt the blood pulsing in his lips, his tongue sliding next to mine; a groan of pleasure rising in his throat. I ran my hands slowly up his torso. Along his sides. Across his chest. Down his arms.

Merlin kept his body planted on top of mine, his hands firmly massaging my shoulders, taking dominance in our kiss. It was all I could do to keep my lips pressed against his. My heart was hammering out of my chest, and I was afraid I was going to pass out. I wanted to kiss Merlin forever, but my breath caught in my throat, my lungs felt like they were on fire, and I broke our kiss to breathe. Merlin didn’t move from his position on top of me. He simply rested his forehead on my own, closed his eyes, and panted through a smile.

When our breaths returned to normal, I found that I no longer hurt anymore. I could feel a dull ache in my muscles, but my body was overcome with pleasure. “Woah,” I exhaled, barely audible.

“Woah,” Merlin parroted, sharing my same air. After a moment longer, he swung his leg back over mine and sat like he had before, leaning on me, his head resting on my shoulder. I didn’t want him to feel far away from me again, so I grasped for his hand like I had so long ago, laced my fingers with Merlin’s, and rested our hands on my lap. He let me.

It took me a while before I turned to look at Merlin. When I did, I watched a silent tear stream down his razor-sharp cheekbones. I felt a wave of panic surge immediately in my chest.

When Merlin noticed my eyes trained on him, he whispered tearfully, “What are we going to do?”

I felt my heart break a little at the sound of Merlin’s hopelessness. He had a point, though. That kiss we had just shared? It was lovely. It was beautiful. It was necessary. But could it really take us anywhere? It was one thing to have a relationship with a servant. For that, alone, my father could have Merlin banished and me severely punished. But the fact that Merlin and I were both men? Forget it. If anyone found out,  _ anyone _ , we would both be executed. No questions asked. I looked into Merlin’s eyes, saw that we shared the same fear, not for ourselves, but for each other, and let myself shed a tear as well. I leaned over to plant what I hoped was a comforting kiss on Merlin’s lips and drew back.

“I don’t know,” I hated to admit my uncertainty to Merlin, but I had to. “But we can make this work,” I stated, with more resolve in my voice than I had ever felt. I would not let myself lose Merlin. Not after everything I had suffered through to have him hold my hand. To have his lips brush over mine. To have his heart beat so close to my own. Losing Merlin was not an option. “I don’t know how, but we are going to make this work,” I repeated, to make sure Merlin understood how strongly I believed we could be together.

“Okay,” Merlin whispered quietly, but assuredly. “I believe you.” My lips could not help but curve into a bitter-sweet smile. Bitter because I knew the danger we had both just agreed to face. Sweet because we had both just agreed to face it  _ together _ . In that moment, staring at Merlin in the dark, I felt, for the first time, three words rise from the depths of my soul to rest on the tip of my tongue.  _ I love you _ . I wanted to say them so badly. I knew that I meant them. I knew that I had meant them for a long time. But I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want the first time I said  _ I love you _ to Merlin to be after our first kiss. He might think I said them because of a romantic instinct. Something you say after you kiss someone. That I might not mean them. But I  _ did _ mean them, so I saved my words. I saved them for a day when I wouldn’t be able to keep them off my lips. When Merlin would know that I meant them. That I loved him.

Merlin and I sat there, our backs against the smooth, cool wall of the cave, revelling in what we had just discovered. We both knew we had to cherish our time alone, because we would never be able to express the way we felt about each other in public.  _ Never _ . I shuddered at the thought. In the pitch-black of the cave, Merlin and I found it all too easy to drift into sleep. And so we did: Merlin’s head on my shoulder, and my head on his.

When we woke in the morning to the harsh light of day, Merlin explained how after I had been injured, we were separated from the rest of the group, and he dragged me to a nearby cave. Seeing as I was well enough to walk, we traced our way back to the village. Once we entered the settlement, Merlin and I were painfully careful not to brush hands. Not to look at each other for too long. Not to look at each other in the ways we really wanted to. Upon entering the village, we met a very worried Leon, Percival, Lancelot, Elyan, and Gwaine, who each proceeded to offer Merlin and I a friendly slap on the back, to which I cringed in pain. Merlin explained to the group what had happened after we were separated, leaving out what I considered to be the most important details, but what they would consider to be demented and criminal. My heart grieved at the thought. Once Merlin had finished speaking, Gwaine told us that the beast had been defeated after all. In our absence, Sir Leon had dealt a fatal blow to the animal, mere moments after I had blacked out. I congratulated him heartily. The creature lay dead in the woods, our mission to protect the village had been accomplished, and it was time to head home. As I mounted my steed, I risked one lingering glance at Merlin, allowing myself to smile, and headed off in search of home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favorite chapter!!


	12. Chapter 12

I remember all the little kisses Merlin and I shared, and where they eventually lead.

 

After I had tasted the sweet texture of Merlin’s tongue on mine, it was so hard not to want for more. Whenever we were in the same room, my eyes wandered to him, and my mind followed suit. I couldn’t focus on anything if Merlin was close enough to distract me. I suppose my father thought I had developed an infatuation for one of the girls he continued to issue in and out of the palace walls, so he dismissed my air-headedness and hoped for a proposal. Oh, how wrong he was.

While many of my evenings were spent with boring young ladies I was meant to woo, my nights and my mornings were spent sharing sweet kisses with Merlin. It was so easy to lean in and sneak a brush on the lips when Merlin’s duty was to dress and undress me at the start and end of each day. We were always so close, and the temptation was too much for either one of us to resist. So we made a habit of our kisses. None when Merlin forced me out of bed, none when Merlin handed my breakfast, none when Merlin and I discussed my commitments for the day, none when Merlin drew my bath, but  _ so many _ when I got dressed.  
  
His hands would slide along my body as he slipped my shirt over my head. A peck on the lips. His fingers would brush past my arms as he put on my coat. A press of his lips to the back of my neck. His chest would move close to mine as he shuffled me into my heavy chainmail. A brush of my lips along his cheekbones. His fingertips would trace my waistline as he tied my belt around me. A longer kiss on the mouth. His thumbs would come into contact with my skin as he tied my cloak close around my throat. A dozen little kisses passed from my lips to his jawline, until he leaned away to hand me my sword and admire his work. We never said anything, and we preferred it that way. All we did was smile and enjoy our private moments together. They were all we had. All we could ever have.

I knew that, and I knew it well, but something inside me longed for more. I wanted to be with Merlin the way other people could be with the ones they loved. I wanted the world to know who I had chosen. I wanted to hold his hand and kiss his lips in public, and I didn’t want to be ashamed. I wanted a life with Merlin. One that neither of us had to hide. I wanted all of that, and even though I didn’t know how to get it, I would fight my damnedest for it. For the time being, though, there was nothing I could do. Nothing but wait for Merlin in the mornings and wait for Merlin in the nights and savor our precious time together.

* * *

One of those nights, with Merlin’s body so close to mine I could feel his warmth and smell his scent, I stopped him, just as he was about to remove my undershirt from my torso. I placed my hands on his hips, simply letting them rest. I brought him closer to me, and felt myself drowning in his crystalline eyes. Merlin seemed to analyze mine for a moment, before smashing his mouth against my own, initiating a long-lasting and passionate kiss. We worked together, hands exploring the curves of each other’s bodies, tongues dancing from mouth to mouth, breath and sweat and emotion mingling together.

In that moment, all rational thoughts fled my mind. The only thing I wanted to do was to leave the kingdom behind. Leave my world, and leave with only Merlin’s hand grasping mine. But I couldn’t do that. I wasn’t ready. My love for Camelot was too much a part of me to leave behind, even if it threatened my love for Merlin. As my head clouded with fantasies about my future and my heart flooded with fears and anxieties, I struggled to hold on to the truest truth I knew.  _ I love Merlin _ , I thought, and I let the phrase consume my heart, mind, and soul, until it was the only thing I knew for sure. I felt my love so deeply, so truly, that it felt like an explosion within my own flesh.  _ I love Merlin _ , I thought, even as his very lips played with mine, his hands snaking their way across my back.

“I love you,” I pulled my mouth from his to speak the words, before I had a chance to question whether it was the right time. My cheeks instantly flushed, Merlin’s eyes widened in shock, and he pulled away slightly, though we were still close. “I just needed you to know,” I added in a whisper, my eyes suddenly drawn towards the floor.

“Good,” I heard a barely audible word slip from Merlin’s mouth. “Because I love you too,” he said louder, with such confidence and pride in his voice. My eyes raised to meet Merlin’s and I saw truth in them. I saw that he loved me, and that he loved me as much as I loved him. I couldn’t be more grateful for his return of affections, so I thanked him in the only way I knew how. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulled him close to me once again, and peppered him with kisses. I felt him giggle, and his body shook pleasantly. I leaned back to look at him, and we both smiled, lost in love.


	13. Chapter 13

I remember the first time Merlin and I were ready to move beyond innocent kisses.

After our first “I love you”s, Merlin and I found that was all we wanted to say to each other. We continued to have regular conversations, but when we were alone, we sprinkled what we had to say with what we felt.

“Your breakfast is on the table, sire, and I love you.”

“What time is the council meeting today, Merlin? By the way, I love you.”

“The king requested your presence in the throne room in twenty minutes, Arthur. I love you.”

“Make sure my armor is polished for the tournament today, Merlin. And know that I love you.”

Every time I told Merlin the three words I never tired of hearing from his own voice, I felt privileged and honored to speak them. It was a miracle to me that he would allow me to say them, that he would listen, and that he would reply.

* * *

“I love you,” I whispered simply and gently in Merlin’s ear one night, as soon as he had undressed me for bed.

“You know I do, too,” Merlin purred, his breath tickling my skin as he leaned closer to me.

I closed my eyes and let the nearness of the one that I loved be enough for me. In our silent, peaceful moment, I moved my palms to rest them on Merlin’s chest. It was firm, and I was reminded how strong Merlin was, even if he looked like a twig sometimes. I couldn’t see, because my lids were still closed, but I felt Merlin’s arms wrap around my back, and he lifted his hands to place on my shoulders. I sighed happily.

Merlin returned my happiness with a peck just below my ear. He then moved to kiss all the way down my jawline, his lips sending shivers of ecstasy down my spine. Before I knew it, we were fully engrossed in a kiss, our hands moving systematically across each other’s skin, exploring places which shouldn’t have felt new any longer.

In an instant, Merlin’s fingertips were clawing at my nightshirt, grasping the fabric and sloppily attempting to pull it off. My breath hitched in my throat, slightly terrified about what would happen once my chest was bare, because even though Merlin and I had seen each other shirtless hundreds of times, this time felt...different. I opened my eyes and could see in Merlin’s a hunger. It scared me, but it also excited me, prompting me to tear off Merlin’s neckerchief, then his coat, then his shirt. I’d never been so frustrated by   
  
Once we both stood, chest to chest, with nothing in between us, I felt my body slam backwards against the corner post of my bed. Wrapping my arms around Merlin, I flung him down onto the mattress and ran my fingers down his arms, pinning him between the soft sheets and my hard body. I kissed him everywhere I could think of. Everywhere but the places we dared not go. Not for at least a few minutes more.

The two of us kissed wordlessly, making as little noise as we could when we were that happy. I was so engrossed with Merlin, with every little and every big thing about him, that I almost didn’t notice the squeak of surprise that echoed around the room, just as Merlin’s hands began to fumble around the pants at my waist.

Merlin immediately stopped what he was doing, sat up straight on my bed, and threw me off of him, sending my head crashing sideways towards my bedpost for the second time that night. Once I came to my senses, I looked towards where the tiny squeal had emanated, and saw that the door was open now, if just a crack, and heard rushed footsteps almost sprinting down the hall.

Merlin and I were blood-red when we realized what had happened, and hurried to put our shirts back on, Merlin having a harder time of it because he had his neckerchief and jacket to deal with, as well.

“What do we do?” I asked frantically, suddenly terrified for Merlin’s life.

Ever the calm, cool, and collected one, Merlin hastily replied, “Find out who that was, pray to God they won’t tell anyone, and shut this down,  _ now _ .” The composure in Merlin’s voice begged for me to kiss him, and I would have, if it wouldn’t have caused any more problems. Instead, I listened to Merlin, rushed out the door I had never even heard open, and pounded down the hallway to find whoever it was that had just walked in on the two of us.

It didn’t take me long to catch up to the intruder who held our lives in their hands. In a dark and secluded corner of the castle, I heard small sniffles and labored, calculated breathing. Whoever it was was clearly trying to calm themselves down. Unsuccessfully.

“Guinevere,” I whispered, out of breath from more than just the running, once the light from the nearby torches revealed the identity of the girl.

Bowing her head, Gwen extended her arms and offered me a book; the last thing I expected her to do. Looking up at me with eyes that poured tears down her cheeks, she stuttered, “I‒no, wait‒Morgana‒she wanted me to return this‒I didn’t realize…” the poor girl stammered off into silence.

I didn’t have any idea what to say, how to explain to Gwen what she saw, or how to convince her to keep her mouth shut about the incident. Instead of speaking, I took the book from Gwen and offered her a gentle hug, just as a way of calming her down, and while she didn’t push me away, I felt her shudder, and she looked at me with eyes full of fear and disgust. It hurt, the way she looked at me. Like I was a monster. Like she was seeing me for the first time, and I repelled her.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered to her, and I meant it. I was sorry for what she had unwillingly seen. I was sorry for making her cry. I was sorry she could no longer see me as she once had. I was sorry for what I was going to have to ask her to do. Pulling away, I heard Merlin’s footsteps echoing down the stone hallway. Finally, he had found us.

“Gwen,” he said her name cautiously as he moved to stand by my side. Her eyes dropped to the ground. “Gwen, listen to me. I know right now you’re upset, and angry, and probably a little scared, but you need to listen to me. If you tell  _ anyone _ , any single person: Elyan or Morgana or any of the servants or  _ anyone _ , Arthur and I are going to end up dead. That’s a fact.” I gulped at the reality of Merlin’s words, but I knew he was right, and they had to be said. “And if you’ve ever thought of me as your friend; if you’ve ever loved Arthur, and I know you have,” my eyes danced back and forth between Merlin and Gwen. This was news to me, but I stayed silent, still shocked. “Then you need to keep quiet. I’m so sorry for asking this of you, but our lives are truly in your hands now. If word got out that the two of us,” Merlin motioned between his body and mine, “were seen...together,” he chose his words carefully, too embarrassed not to be discreet, “we would surely both be burned at the stake.”

After an excruciatingly long moment of silence, Gwen locked her brown, earthy eyes with Merlin’s light, liquid ones. “I’ll keep your secret, Merlin, but only for you.” I almost melted into a puddle of pure relief. After another moment of silence, Gwen spoke up again. “You disappoint me, Merlin,” she chose only to speak to him. “You could have been so much  _ better _ than this,” she spat with venom on her tongue. I was shocked at her cruelty. She had always been a fair and kind woman, but her words towards Merlin made me stiffen my spine in defense. Instinctively, I reached out my hand to hold Merlin’s, despite how inappropriate it would be, to comfort him and to provide strength for myself.

Gwen glanced down at our interlocked hands, made a face that looked like she  _ pitied _ us‒like we were less than her‒and said one last thing before turning and walking away. “Please don’t talk to me again. Either of you. I can’t stand to look at you.”

* * *

Back in my chambers, Merlin and I stared at each other, incredulous. We sat next to each other at the table in the center of my room, but we weren’t close enough to touch.

“That could have been much worse,” Merlin finally breathed.

“Yes, it could have,” I agreed.

Silence.

“Arthur, we have to be more careful.”

“I know…” I lowered my head, embarrassed that Merlin and I had been reckless enough to get caught in the first place.

“If someone else had‒”

I interrupted Merlin. “I know. I just don’t want this to ruin what we have, okay? I still want you.” With that, I turned my eyes, first to the windows, then to the doors, scanning for unwanted attention, and pressed my lips to Merlin’s in a quick, sweet kiss.

* * *

Merlin and I had sworn to be more careful, and from that day on, we were. Much to my dismay, we only shared one or two kisses a day, and those only after checking to make sure that undoubtedly, we were alone. We never let our hands brush carelessly on hunting trips. We never went off alone together, save when Merlin was required to be in my chambers. We never talked about what we felt for each other‒we only ever spoke about what we were supposed to‒so when we needed to say  _ I love you _ , we simply shared a knowing glance. A glance that said  _ I would die for you because I love you and I can’t imagine my world without you _ . But those glances had to mean absolutely nothing to the people around us, because if they didn’t…if they didn’t…both of our worlds would burn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote this fic a couple years ago and now I kind of regret what I did to Gwen's character but...too late now.


	14. Chapter 14

I remember the beginning of the end.

 

“Arthur!” my father exclaimed, more cheery than usual, as I entered the conference room where he sat alone, surrounded by tax receipts, maps, and treaties.

“Yes, Father?” I asked, slightly worried by his friendly disposition, which usually meant he wanted something.

My father rose from his seat, walked to meet me in the center of the room, and placed a strong hand on my shoulder. “I have wonderful news!” His eyes crinkled at the edges as he spoke, and I was impatient for him to get on with it.

“Well…” I prompted.

“You remember Lady Bethany, don’t you?”

“Yes,” I sighed, disappointed in the direction this conversation was going.

“Well, it turns out she took quite a liking to you. Her father has sent me a message, proposing a marriage between the two of you as soon as they can arrive. Perhaps a month or less. Congratulations! You’re engaged!” my father seemed genuinely excited.

“What?” I could only manage to ask, shocked.

“You. Are. Engaged.” my father repeated slowly, like he was talking to a simpleton.

“But Father...” I tried to think of a valid excuse to oppose the union, but it was difficult when all I could think about was Merlin. There had to be a way out of this, because there was  _ no way _ I was going to marry Lady Bethany. I loved Merlin. That I knew for certain, but still, a speck of doubt crept into my brain. Did my feelings for Merlin really matter in the long run? I would never be able to marry him. Perhaps it was always going to end like this. I would marry someone I did not love, Merlin and I would drift apart, and eventually forget each other. My heart broke at the very thought.

“No buts, Arthur,” my father used the typical parental response to my objection, and it grated on my nerves. “You are going to marry the princess, and you are going to like it. Now leave me to my work; I have plenty to do,” my father issued me out of the room, closed the large wooden doors behind me, and left me shell-shocked, staring at the empty hallway.

What was I going to do? Surely it couldn’t be that hard to find a way out of the proposal. Tell Lady Bethany I didn’t love her, or otherwise insult her. I could definitely do that. Still, that doubt crept back in. How many proposals could I avoid? Would I be known as Arthur Pendragon, the king who never married? Would I keep Merlin with me as a secret consort? No. I couldn’t do that to myself, and I  _ certainly _ couldn’t do that to Merlin. We both deserved lasting relationships that we could be proud of. That we could share with the world.

My thoughts became cloudy as depression rolled in. I was stuck, and I couldn’t see the way out. The only thing I could do was wait to see Merlin that night, and ask for his help.

The night we had first kissed, when Merlin asked me what in the world we were going to do, and I told him I didn’t know, but that we would make it work, we had committed to work  _ together _ . That is how we had done everything so far, and that is how we would continue to be. Together.

* * *

Merlin took his time undressing me, and I watched the light fade from my room as the sun set. I hadn’t told him yet about Lady Bethany. I wanted to. I needed to, but I was too scared to speak up. I was afraid that if Merlin and I talked about it, it would become real.

“What’s wrong, Arthur?” Merlin asked out of the blue, and my breath caught in my throat, even though I shouldn’t have been surprised. Merlin knew me so well.

“Sit down,” I told Merlin once he had finished his job, and we both perched on the edge of my bed. Merlin stared at me with kind, bewildered eyes that helped to calm my nerves. I decided to just spit out what I had to say.

“My father announced my engagement to Lady Bethany today. I am to marry her by the end of the month.” Merlin stayed quiet for a moment.

“And are you...going along with this?” Merlin eventually whispered, keeping his eyes fixed on mine.

My first instinct was to shout  _ No! _ as loud as I could, because my heart was screaming for me to say it. Instead, I repressed what I wanted to say and said what I had to. “I don’t see that I have much of a choice,” I began, and nearly cried at the heartbreak visible in Merlin’s eyes. “I love you Merlin. I love you with every part of me, but I don’t know if that’s enough. Even if we somehow managed to dodge this proposal, there would surely be another. And another. And another. The world that we live in, Merlin, it doesn’t give us the opportunity to be happy together. It just doesn’t. We both knew it from the beginning‒that this could never last‒but we went along with it anyways. I’m sorry, Merlin. I’m so, so, sorry, but I am going to marry Lady Bethany. If I don’t marry her, I’ll marry somebody else, who won’t be you. Who could never be you. And it breaks my heart. It shatters my soul, but the two of us together could only ever have ended in pain.” I took a deep breath, tears blurring my vision but refusing to fall. I didn’t know what I was going to say until the words were out of my mouth and hanging in the air.

“Arthur,” Merlin grasped my hands, and I was relieved by the comfort of his touch. “You say that our love isn’t enough, but I can’t believe that. If love didn’t have the power to overcome, then it wouldn’t be what it is. Which is powerful. And all-consuming. And forever. I love you, too, and I don’t want to throw it away. I will stand by you no matter what, but I don’t want you to feel like you can’t fight for this. That you shouldn’t. We can still do this. Be together.” The pleas in Merlin’s voice cracked with every syllable.

“I can’t. I can’t,” I cried, squeezing Merlin’s hands as tight as I could. “You’ve always been the dreamer, Merlin. The optimist. I’ve tried that, but I don’t think I can keep it up any longer. We need our feet on the ground. We can’t keep fantasizing that this relationship will last. That we’ll grow old together. That I’ll never marry another, and that there will be no heir to the throne. That’s just not realistic. There is no future for us.”

Merlin suddenly let go of my hand, jumped off of my bed, and smashed the vase that sat nearby, on my dresser. I nearly leapt out of my skin; I was so scared. I had never seen Merlin angry before. “Don’t say that!” he shouted, and I was so enthralled in our argument that I didn’t think to tell him to keep quiet. “You don’t know what the future may hold! Neither of us do! So don’t assume that we can’t be together. Don’t use that as an excuse to push me away. Don’t take the easy way out. You’re right: we knew from the beginning this wasn’t going to be a walk in the park, but we promised each other that we’d work together. That we’d fight our hardest and never give up. Because we love each other. So please, Arthur,” Merlin’s voice turned soft once again, and I didn’t know which frightened me more: his fit of rage or his quiet, penetrating gaze. “Don’t give up on me.”

The room fell absolutely silent as I considered Merlin’s words and he waited for my reaction. I felt so weak. I had begun this argument with a purpose. To break things off with Merlin and move on. Instead, I felt I loved him more than ever. I never wanted to let him go, and even though every tiny piece of logic in me screamed that I should do the smart thing and marry Lady Bethany, love won out. Merlin was right. Love was powerful and all-consuming and forever. And I loved Merlin. Even though our problems were far from solved, I had made up my mind. I was going to stay by Merlin’s side, no matter the cost.

Merlin stood facing me, waiting for my answer, worry crinkling his brow. I stood slowly from my bed, walked until I was close enough to Merlin that I could hear the rushing beat of his heart, and relented, “Okay. You win. I won’t give up on you. Ever. I love you.”

With that, our two pairs of lips came speeding towards each other, and before I could blink, I had Merlin pressed against the wall, my hands pinning his above his head, and our mouths worked hungrily for each other. Tears streamed down both of our faces, and between snogs and gasps for air, we whispered “I’m sorry” and “I love you” and my lips mouthed “Merlin” while his mouthed “Arthur”.

His lips tasted so sweet. His breath was so welcome. His words settled in my heart, and every time his lips met my skin, I gained new strength which allowed me to keep snogging him. I loved him. Our mouths moved back to greet each other, so that our tongues could taste the other’s, and our hands each moved to rake through the other’s hair. My only thoughts were of Merlin.

_ Boom! _ Merlin and I instantly whipped around when we heard the slam of my chamber door opening. Our eyes both widened in fear when we saw my father, fuming, yet too stunned to speak, unsheathe his sword as he ran towards us. In his eyes I saw pain, but it was overpowered by anger. In that moment, I knew that he wanted to kill me, but he was  _ going _ to kill Merlin.


	15. Chapter 15

I remember the day my world died.

 

“Father! Stop!” I screamed as loudly as I could, while forcefully shoving Merlin behind me, so as to shield him with my body. I grabbed my sword from where it lay, near my bed, and prepared to defend Merlin with my dying breath. My mind raced through ways we could escape. Out the window? Double-back and through the doors my father had just swung open? Where to from there?

“Guards!” my father shouted just as loudly, not bothering to acknowledge my plea. Without thinking, I lunged at my father, aiming to kill, made ruthless by my fear of losing Merlin. He blocked my blow and our blades locked. When we were that close together, I could see in his eyes the pain that I had caused, and the hatred. The eyes that once used to love me, though it was tough love, filled with disgust, just as Gwen’s had, upon discovering that I had the audacity‒in my eyes, the courage‒to love another man. His gaze wounded me more than his sword ever could have, but I saved my tears.

As my father and I fought, blade scraping blade, Merlin stood behind me, armed with a poker he had drawn from the fire, but he did not join our fight. He knew it was mine to win, or mine to lose. Just then, three of the guards my father had called for burst into the room, completely oblivious to the situation, until my father ordered them to seize me and Merlin. Two more soldiers followed suit.

“Run!” I shouted to Merlin, pushing my father to the floor and attempting to shove past the guards. I had no such luck. The instant they were close enough, two of the giant men whose names I did not know grabbed me by my flailing arms, held me between their stoic bodies, and disarmed me of my sword. “Run, Merlin! Run!” I continued to shout, but he, too, was soon caught between two guards and removed of his weapon, while the remaining soldier proceeded to help my father to his feet.

Once my father stood, he raised his blade to press against my neck, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “Take them to the dungeons,” he finally commanded, and when the guards hesitated for merely a moment at being told to lock away their crown prince, my father shouted. “Now!”

I felt my body move without me telling it to, and I kicked and screamed as I was carried out of my chambers. “Merlin!” was the only thing I could think to yell, and I heard a faint “Arthur!” ahead of me.

“And shut those two up!” my father screeched, back in my room. That was the last thing I heard before I suffered a blunt blow to the back of my head and my vision subsided into darkness.

* * *

I awoke inside one of the dank cells of our dungeon. It wasn’t the first time I had been imprisoned within my own castle, but for some reason, I felt that it would be the last. “Merlin!” I called as soon as I could string together a coherent thought. There was no answer, and I tried not to panic. He was either still unconscious from being knocked out by the guards, or in a cell too far away to hear me. I scrambled towards the front of my cell to see if I could spot Merlin nearby. No. All of the cells around me were empty.

“Merlin’s in the cell farthest from yours. You can’t hear each other,” I heard a gentle voice address me, just as I saw Morgana’s black flats appear at the bottom of the stairs in front of my cell. She sashayed over to where I stood, gripping the rusty bars that kept me captive, and slid a tray of porridge, bread, and water, underneath the gate.

“I’m so sorry,” her eyes were filled with pity. “You don’t deserve this, but there’s nothing I can do.”

“Deserve what? Morgana, what has my father decided to do? Can you convince him to spare Merlin?” I was desperate for help from anyone who was willing to give it, and it looked like Morgana could be my closest ally at the moment.

“I tried...I tried to save both of you, but there’s no changing his mind…” Morgana looked down to the cold, hard ground in shame. “He’ll be down here in a moment, now that you’re awake,” she warned me. “I have to go.” She quickly turned to leave, but I stopped her with my words.

“Wait! Morgana!” She turned to face me. “Thank you,” I simply said, face tight between the bars of my cell. She didn’t reply, instead, she walked away and left me, dreading my father’s appearance at the foot of those stairs.

It only took a few minutes until I heard the angry stomp of his boots approach my cell. When he was finally close enough, I blurted out the only words on my mind. “I’m so sorry, Father,” and in that moment, I really was. I was sorry I wasn’t the son he thought I was. I was sorry for disappointing him. I was sorry it was impossible for me to tell him, but how could I?

My father held up a hand, and in his eyes I saw cold, hard fury. “You do not get to call me ‘Father’ anymore. You have lost that privilege. From now on, I am your king, and only your king.”

“What?” I asked meekly, stunned.

“No son of mine would behave as you did, so from this day forward, you are no longer my son,” my father responded, without a hitch in his voice.

“But Father…” I trailed off, my voice broken and shaky from holding back tears.

“No!” he interrupted me, drawing closer to my cell, his vicious eyes locking with mine. “What you did was wrong! And disgusting! And you should be ashamed of yourself! How long have you been like this, Arthur? How long have you been  _ sick _ ?” he spat the word like he might catch the “disease” if he spoke of it too directly.

I did not feel the need to answer him, because I was not sick. Nothing about me was wrong. Nothing about me was disgusting, and I had nothing to be ashamed of. What Merlin and I shared was unadulterated love. The purest thing in the universe. If my father couldn’t understand that, then he was the one who should be ashamed. He let fear and hatred rule his life, and it was tearing him apart.

When my father realized that I was not going to answer him, he turned to walk away. “Wait!” I yelled after him, my thoughts suddenly turning to Merlin. He stopped and faced me once more. “You must spare Merlin,” I pleaded. “Kill me, but spare him. Let him go and live outside of Camelot’s borders. He won’t disturb you, ever. On my word.”

My father approached my cell once more, until his face was inches from mine and I could smell wine on his breath. He had been drinking during the day...that couldn’t be good. “Do you want to know what I’m going to do with Merlin? Do you?” he taunted, and I gulped, although I remained absolutely still. “I’m going to drag him from his dirty cell, starving and screaming, up these steps, to the center of the courtyard, and I am going to tie him to a pyre. You know what I’m going to do next? I’m going to light that pyre until the flames reach his skin, and then I am going to watch him burn, and I am going to laugh.” He let out a low chuckle, as a sort of cruel preview, and then he turned to leave, his cloak swirling behind him.

“No!” I screamed at him again. “Leave him alone! Take me instead!” It was no use. My father was already up the stairs and out of earshot.

In a fit of anger, I kicked the walls of my cell over and over again. I rattled the bars and I screamed to be let out. I cried Merlin’s name until I gasped for air. I don’t know how much time passed, but eventually I wore myself out and sunk to the floor, placing my head between my knees, and I cried. I cried for myself, and I cried for my father, but most of all, I cried for Merlin. I had never missed anyone more in my life, and I would have gladly given an arm and a leg just to see his ebony curls and his startling eyes.

Through the tiny barred window of my cell, I watched the sun rise in the East, and realized that I had stayed awake through the entire night. As the birds began to chirp in the morning, their sweet songs provided as much comfort as I could ask for, and I let them send me to sleep.

* * *

I woke in the late afternoon to screams piercing my ears. At first I thought they were my own: remnants from a nightmare, but then I recognized them as Merlin’s. “Merlin!” I raced to the front of my cell to see what was going on. Two guards turned the corner at the end of the cell block, carrying a very pale and skinny Merlin between them. He screamed for them to let him go; his voice was scared and hoarse.

“Merlin!” I yelled again, and this time he heard me. His screams stopped momentarily.

“Arthur!” he called back, and I could hear a tiny speck of relief. The guards continued to drag him towards my cell, then towards the stairs. I didn’t want to think about where they were taking him next. As he got closer and closer to me, I shouted the one thing I never thought I would be able to say to him in public.

“I love you!” I screamed, and I meant every word.

“I love you, too!” he shouted back, tears staining both of our cheeks. As he was forced up the stairs, towards certain doom, I panicked when I thought that I could be hearing his voice for the last time. I tried to think of any last words I wanted to say to him, if in fact, last words were required.

“I love you Merlin!” I shouted as his form started slowly disappearing up the steps, still struggling frantically. “I loved you on the days I thought I would lose you! I loved you on the days you weren’t around! I loved you on the days you drove me absolutely insane! I loved you on the days we kissed and on the days we didn’t! I loved you on the days you loved me back, and on the days you got angry with me for being such an arrogant prat! I loved you on the good days, on the bad days, and all the days between! I still do, and I always will!” My voice trailed off into silence. Merlin was gone.

I stood, gripping the bars to my cell, wishing I was strong enough to bend them with my bare hands, hopeless. Somewhere outside the cell window, I heard the low rumble of a crowd. I dismissed it at first, until I remembered what a crowd in the courtyard could mean. I rushed to my feet, stood on my tiptoes to peer out the tiny opening, and gasped. The courtyard was filled with knights and servants of Camelot, although no peasants from the lower town were to be seen, and they all stood in a large circle, facing the center. At the far end of the courtyard sat two thrones: one for Morgana, and one for my father. I noted that my usual seat was absent.

Of all the faces in the crowd, I noticed Gwen, Gaius, Leon, Percival, Gwaine, Elyan, and Lancelot. All of their faces were forlorn, to say the least. Gwen looked sad, with her face in her hands, but she didn’t look as surprised as the others. She simply looked ready for whatever might come next. The knights all had a look of disbelief on their faces, staring around at each other as if any of the others might have an idea about what was going on. Gaius looked the most heartbroken. Over time, he had learned to assume a steady posture that could weather all sorts of crises, but he looked about ready to keel over as he stared towards the center of the space.

The focal point of the gathering was a large and menacing pyre, which stood ready to be engulfed in flames at my father’s spoken word. The knights and servants, many of whom I knew, and many of whom I did not, stared at the contraption with fear and sadness in their eyes. I had seen those looks many times before. I had shared them. Scarring memories of countless witch burnings rose to my mind, and I shuddered. Except they weren’t burning a witch that day. They were burning Merlin. Not for magic. Not for treason. For choosing to love me. My heart trembled, and if it wasn’t already shattered, I would say it had broken.

A hush fell across the crowd, and my father rose from his seat. I gulped. I knew what was coming. From across the courtyard, Merlin’s tired body was carried between the two soldiers I had seen only a moment ago. I wanted to scream his name, but my mouth was glued in shock and in panic. Everybody watched as his hands and feet were bound and tied to the stake rising from the center of the pyre. Even from a distance, I could see Merlin take deep, labored breaths, and close his eyes as the tears continued to fall. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I wanted so badly to take his place. To have Merlin safe and sound, and to burn, instead. I would do anything.

Before I could take another breath, I saw my father’s mouth open, and he said the words I so dreaded to hear.

“Do it.”

With that, the nearest soldier dipped his flaming torch below Merlin’s feet, and the burning began. It wasn’t instantaneous. It was slow, and every second doubled my agony, but I couldn’t look away. The man I loved was about to burn, and I couldn’t look away.

Merlin stayed silent as the fire neared his skin, but the second it touched him, he screamed. He let out a pained and agonizing scream of mortal terror that ripped through the crowd, causing every single onlooker to shudder. It was all I could do not to hold my head and cover my ears, because once the fire had laid its deathly grip on Merlin, it wouldn’t let go, and it wouldn’t stop taking more of him. The more the fire burned, the more Merlin screamed, until flames completely engulfed his body. The smell of charred flesh permeated and polluted the air as Merlin’s skin began to melt. I felt sick.

It took only half a minute for Merlin’s screams to stop, but it felt like an eternity. He hadn’t passed out until after the smoke had choked his lungs, stopping first his screams, then his breath. I thought maybe he was just unconscious, that maybe he would wake up again, if I prayed hard enough. But his body continued to burn, and instead I prayed that Merlin wouldn’t wake up. That he wouldn’t feel the torture of being burned alive, and that he wouldn’t have to pray for death. Not when I could do that for him.

Merlin’s body was left burning for hours, his clothes completely gone, his hair burnt away, and his flesh melted together. Long after the crowd had gone, disgusted by Merlin’s remains, I stood by the window, unmoving. I watched the flames subside into embers, and I watched as two men began to tear down the pyre at sunset, moving Merlin’s bones into a cart and wheeling him away.

It wasn’t until Merlin was gone, really gone, that I allowed myself to move from that window. When I did, I sat down on the cold stone floor. To my right, there was a pile of vomit that filled my cell with a hideous odor. When had I done that? I crawled as far away from the disgusting substance as I could, and I hugged my knees to my chest, missing Merlin’s warmth by my side. I let myself cry, and once I did, the tears wouldn’t stop. Why should they? I had no one left to be strong for. My brain wasn’t functioning. Not a single coherent thought formed inside my head, so, cried-out and starving, I fell asleep on the floor.

* * *

When I woke up, I felt cold, rusty metal scraping against my wrists and ankles. I opened my eyes to see Sir Leon leaning over me, with sadness and regret haunting his irises. He held out an arm to help me up, and I took it, gratefully. 

“Where are we going?” I managed to whisper weakly.

“Uther has banished you from Camelot. For life. I’m so sorry. The knights and I are to escort you to the border.”

“He doesn’t want me dead?” I asked quietly, surprised.

“No. I don’t think he could do it. But he doesn’t want to see you again. He says if you return, he will be forced to execute you.” Leon gulped, and I knew he didn’t agree with my father’s decision. “Arthur, you don’t have to go. The knights will still back you. You can take the throne‒”

“No,” I interrupted him, without telling him my reasons for refusing to fight for the throne. “You are a good man, Leon, and a loyal friend, but I need you to obey my father. I will go with you to the border. I won’t put up a fight.” I told Leon the truth, and he stood behind me as I walked, chained, to the stables.

Once we neared the horses, Leon helped me up onto his steed, and he straddled the horse behind me. Orders from my father that I was not to be left alone. We took off into the woods without a word, and Gwaine, Percival, Elyan, and Lancelot followed us. I don’t think they all had to be there, but they came anyways, with me until the end.

* * *

Halfway through the ride, I whispered to Sir Leon, even though I knew what his answer would be, “Did you see him?”

“Yes,” his sad eyes stared straight ahead. “There was no way to help him.”

“You could have done  _ something _ ,” I spoke louder, angry. “ _ Anything! _ You could have done  _ anything! _ ” I felt like I was going to cry again.

A moment of silence passed from Leon, until he simply said, “I know. I’m sorry.”

* * *

After a long day of riding somberly, we crossed Camelot’s border. All the men dismounted, and Leon helped me, as well. He then proceeded to unlock my chains, and place them in his horse’s satchel.

I stood, apart from my men, taking in each of their expressions, until I was so depressed I could hardly move. I wished Merlin was there.

“It was an honor serving you, sir,” Elyan drew his sword, placed it in the dark soil, and kneeled. Gwaine, Lancelot, Percival, and finally Leon did the same.

I couldn’t think of a single thing to say, so I stayed silent, waiting for them to rise and turn to mount their horses. Once they did, and each of them cast regretful glances back at me, Leon rode his horse over to where I stood, watching, just outside of Camelot. Just outside of my home. He removed his sword, sheath and all, from his belt, and leaned over to hand it to me. I took it, and let it rest upon my shaking palms. Neither of us said a word, but I nodded respectfully to show my appreciation of his final parting gift. Once his sword was in my hands, Leon rode towards the other knights and the five of them rode off towards the castle. I sunk to my knees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Homophobia is gross. Writing this made me sick to my stomach.


	16. Chapter 16

Leon is gone. Lancelot is gone. Elyan is gone. Gwaine is gone. Percival is gone. But worst of all, Merlin is gone. I let myself wallow in self-pity as I sit on my knees, hands in the dirt of the forest.

I’m tired. I’m so, so tired, and I’m hungry. I’m exhausted. I can’t move. I can barely think. Even that, thinking, is painful, because the only thing I can think about is Merlin. I will never see his face again. I will never hear his voice, never feel his warm head rest on my shoulder, never run my fingers through his hair that I love so much, and never feel his lips exploring mine.

I wish I can remember more about the Merlin that I love. I’ve tried everything. I want to remember every little detail about him. Who was the boy I fell in love with? It’s so hard to remember when I see his body burning, burning, burned, every time I close my eyes. I try not to blink.

It doesn’t work, and I am tortured by the image of Merlin dying. Merlin dying because he loved me. I bang my hands against my head violently, trying to erase the image of Merlin’s corpse from my mind, but the harder I try to forget, the easier it is to remember. I let out a scream. I scream for everything Merlin and I never had. For everything we wanted and had ripped from us. I scream because Merlin screamed, and I heard him, and mine cannot compare to the sheer terror of his voice in the moments before his death.

After a time, I fall silent and turn to face Sir Leon’s sword, which I have let fall to the ground in front of me. I unsheathe it. Slowly. Carefully. I admire the sharpness of the blade, my thoughts only momentarily distracted from Merlin. Considering my plans for Leon’s sword, I doubt it is what he had in mind when he gifted it to me.

I turn the blade around, intentional with my every movement, and let the tip of the sword rest pointing towards my chest, aimed straight at my heart. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and picture Merlin’s smiling face. Then, without a second thought, I thrust the sword deep into my flesh, let it pierce my skin, my muscles, my nerves, and my veins, then I remove it and let the blood pour out of me. Before long, my entire shirt is soaked, and the sticky liquid covers my hands. I lay down in the middle of the forest, still clutching the bloody sword, and the only thing I can think is that Merlin must have died in much more agony. I got off easy. And the last thing I feel before I close my eyes is guilt. I feel so, so guilty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I AM SO SO SORRY!! Please leave a comment to tell me how distraught you are, because your tears fuel my motivation.


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